One of the hardest things I’ve found on my journey is learning to live in the present. As I sit and think about it right in this very moment, I’ve spent the majority of my time either living in the past, or worried about my future…which is perfectly fine you may say – as it is good to reflect, and even better to have a plan/goal for the future.
But I’m not talking about the positive sort of contemplation that moves us forward, I’m referring to the agonising fixation on the past – the regurgitation of all the pain, hurt, disappointment, regrets, mistakes, failures & wasted time – all the destructive negative memories that we carry around in our heads and our hearts. And then, we drag them along every step of the way into our future, bringing years of dysfunction along with us.
We get so focused and put so much energy into our load, that somewhere amongst the tears and angst, we forget to live in today. We carry it around as our badge of honour, our battle scar – to prove that we are just a nice person that got f***ed over, hurt, mistreated and cheated. We use it repeatedly to justify our inaction; to justify our fears in our relationships, our careers, our pursuits, and chasing our dreams.
I carry around a gram of fat for every disappointment, put down, insult, betrayal, painful experience and regret I’ve had in my life – my fat body is my battle scar. I’ve carried this mass around with me for as long as I can remember – adding to it every day…But I don’t want to punish myself any more. I’ve decided to let it go, gram by gram – and each one that is shed is replaced with a new found confidence, self-love, positive thought and positive action. I am slowly but surely breaking free from the thoughts and feelings that have poisoned my heart, my mind and my soul – and the destructive patterns that have given me permission to abuse my body.
Quite often as I work out, I lose myself in thought; I am in the moment. As I train, I find myself physically, in the place that I have been emotionally so many times in my life; desperately gasping for air, aching, exhausted, and in pain…Each time I have a choice; do I give up and stop, or do I find the strength to keep going? Then as I battle through, I realise that my biggest enemy is my mind – I ignore all the ‘You can’t do this’, ‘Please stop’ ‘This hurts’ and ‘This is too hard’ excuses that it hurls my way and replace them with ‘Just keep going’, ‘You got this’…’You CAN do it!’ The truth is, it’s damned hard – don’t underestimate the level of effort and strength it takes for me to work out at high intensity at my size – for the average woman it would be like carrying yourself on your back all day…and then continuing to do so as you worked out..it’s exhausting & painful! But I power on…
In the last 8 weeks, I’ve never given up & I’ve never missed a session; I give as much as I can every time; I challenge myself and allow my trainers to challenge me; I live in the moment and repeat to myself that I am strong and capable of smashing that goal. And then something inside me clicks and I get that final, desperate push – and I think my mind is going to explode as I grunt in pain, and the sweat rolls into and stings my eyes, and I struggle to breath…Then I lift that bar one more time; and even though my arms feel like they are about to collapse under it, and my legs are going to give way, I keep going! And then I realise I’ve done it…I’ve completed my set…and the relief, and pride and passion kick in and my body tingles…I am spent, but feel amazing…Nothing beats that high…
That same focus that I get in training, is the focus I am trying to apply to my life – to being in the moment: feeling everything intensely, battling through the mental and physical pain: accepting the setbacks and failures: giving more of myself; celebrating my little wins and successes…It’s a lot like training, life is – I just hadn’t realised it. I’ve learned that I just have to show up, do my best and set my goals. There are no short cuts – just dedication & commitment to your own cause.
Trust me – there are no quick fixes – I’ve tried them all and failed. All it takes is the right mindset and hard work – regardless of your size. We all have an innate desire as individuals to be validated and accepted; by our own selves and by others. We are all weighed down with insecurities and weakness – but unless we admit them and try to heal – nothing else will work. There are companies everywhere you look offering quick fixes; magic remedies that will make you lose weight and get fit; machines that will work out for you, diet pills, meal replacements, detoxes, you name it! And we all flock to them in desperation – and when they don’t work & give us the body like the chick on the ad, we go into meltdown – opening the door for a myriad of disorders; overeating, binging, bulimia and anorexia…We have developed a constant yearning for instant gratification to fill the void…but the void can only be filled by long term change; something we are all too impatient to aim for – but at the end of the day, it is the ONLY solution! The rest is bull; stories told & promises made to us, so that someone else can make millions. And worst of all, is the story we tell ourselves EVERY day about why we can’t do it…
I’ve finally stopped lying to myself – I know that unless I make the changes, everything will stay the same or get worse. TODAY is my tomorrow – it’s up to ME to take control; to make the right choices EACH day; to eat well; to live well; to train hard. So stop looking for quick fixes, for maximum output for minimum input; for reasons why you can’t do it! Put that energy onto living in the moment, setting goals, and DOING it…it’s not gonna do itself!
In the last 8 weeks I have lost a total of 23 kilos, bring my weight down from 167 kilos to 144 kilos – Woohoo!
Waist: 155 cms +
Thigh: 76 cms
Arm: 47 cms
Chest: 145 cms
Today, Day 57
Arm: 35 cms
Chest: 126.5 cms
That’s 18cms off my waist – 7cms off my thigh – 12cms off my arm and 18.5 cms off my chest! So, a total weight loss of 23 kilos & 55.5 cms off my body!
So what story are you going to tell yourself today? What are you going to hold onto from the past that will take up all your energy and not let you move forward? What excuse are you going to give yourself for continuing to abuse & let yourself down?
We CAN fight through it – I am far from perfect, and my journey is littered with set backs, fear, insecurity and self doubt – but I keep going…I know I CAN do it…I got this…and YOU have too – just take the first step! Break free!
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