It’s been a while huh? Mazzy got a little lost along the way, but I’m back! I have missed you all, and truth be told, I have missed myself even more.
I like to consider myself an intelligent, rational, positive and motivated woman most of the time, and can often separate my authentic self – and my neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, irrational self. My real self is an honest and all-around nice human being who, sometimes, gets held hostage by the psychopathic, self-destructive, manipulative liar that is my weak self. I try to fight her, but sometimes she wins…well, because sometimes I let her …and other times, I just don’t have the strength to exchange the blows.
I have a constant battle inside my head that seems to never let me go. I am full of contradictions. This chaos absolutely infuriates me, confuses me, and makes me constantly question myself – these incongruities that exist in every single day of my life are both my blessing and my curse. The last year has been intense – and at times I’ve struggled to cope. It has been a tumultuous year of change, sacrifice, light, darkness, pain, joy, pleasure, pain, success, failure, self awareness, denial, loathing and love. I have felt the extreme of every emotional and over time, it exhausts you.
But, I wonder… is there a way to erase the dilemma, to resolve the contradictions? Sometimes I am fearless, then at other times I’m weak; I am loud, then silent; I am careful, then completely reckless; I am thoughtful, then impulsive; I am independent, but I am helpless; I am an open book, yet I hate revealing too much; I am confident, yet acutely self-conscious; I am a good influence, yet I make bad decisions; I need direction, but I hate being told what to do; I protect myself, but give my heart away too easily; I hate being hurt, but I find beauty in the breakdown; I am vulnerable, yet I am strong; I seek the light, but love the darkness; I crave peace, but thrive in chaos. And so, I have concluded that at times, I live somewhere in the middle – but mostly, I hurl myself back and forth between the extremes. And I am still wondering how that could be...
I think this kind of complexity is both compelling and captivating, but oftentimes excruciating, and sometimes…unbearable. The fact is, not many of us seem to fit into the narrow categories that the world seeks to shove us in – and this is an endless source of anxiety, self loathing, depression and pain. I always feel like I am overflowing out of the compartment that was set up for me, and that I subvert the definition that society has imposed on me as a fat woman. I have let this misguided definition repress me for so long that it became the definition of who I was – a failure. And now, in breaking free, I almost feel like I am causing offence, setting myself up as a target, exposing my weaknesses; it’s a scary place. This mêlée is so endlessly transfixing, as I battle to remain true to myself, whilst appeasing others; to remain a person of integrity, who makes the right choices for the right reasons; whilst failing at these most a lot of the time – it’s hard not to feel like a hypocrite.
And so for the time being, I have concluded that it’s just about accepting myself, and my life as it is — both good and bad, right and wrong, joyous and agonizing — and learning to live with my contradictions. I am an incongruity, for reasons beyond my reckoning – but I need to love me, and embrace my crazy lol .
As I have mentioned in my last few blogs, the last 3 months have been really hard for me; 2014 was definitely a wild ride! It was a year where many lessons were learned; many truths faced; many changes made; many goals reached, and many demons battled. It was a tough year, but ultimately a rewarding one. So as I look back on 2014 I’m going to look at what I DID achieve and celebrate my successes:
- RBT came into my life
- Started to eat healthily and take care of my body
- Lost a total of 44 kilos
- Dropped 4 dress sizes
- Dropped my blood pressure from a dangerous 220 to 130
- No longer have high blood sugar or cholesterol
- Dropped a shoe size
- Bought my 1st pair of high heels
- Wore my first gown
- Joined a band – De La Lune – as a backup vocalist, and started to perform live gigs with them
- Did my first solo performance at a gig
- Started writing a blog
- Rode a bike
- Got a new job
- Bought a new car
- Am fitter, more confident and sexual than I have been in years
- My period came back after years of absence
- I stopped killing myself
So my goal for 2015 is to reconnect with why I started, and to move forward. Mistakes happen – we all fall of the wagon. Although I have not lost weight of late, I have only gained a few kilos back, even over Christmas. I’ve finally stopped beating myself up about it (which only led to more bad choices incidentally) and accepted it as a part of my journey. I’m back at the gym and have re-evaluated my nutrition – planning, preparation and routine are back in the house!
I’ll leave you with a quote that struck a chord with me, when I read it:
“Start now. Start where you are. Start again. Start with fear. Start with Pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling, but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just…start.” The Requiem of the Moon Poetry
The journey continues my friends…