For the past few months, I’ve been really focusing on self-exploration; trying to figure out what it means to be healthy, happy, and whole. I’ve come a long way, and in order to gain some perspective I looked back over some of my initial blog posts. I found one dated April 1 2014, and it brought tears to my eyes; both of sadness and joy:
“I have to face the reality of what I have done to myself – that I am responsible for my present state & all the shit I have shoved into my mouth – tonnes of it! I have to face that I have been weak enough to use food to cope with life – whether it was good or bad, food was my constant. The irony is that I am a highly intelligent woman – and right now, yes, I am beating myself up. Why can’t I just be like normal people? A normal woman, of average size that can wear normal sized clothes and something as simple as high heels? Instead I am a fat blob, that struggles to climb stairs; who puts off walking, who struggles to breathe, get off trams, fit in cars, fit in airplane seats (I can never have the tray down), is too ashamed to go clubbing even though I love to dance, can’t ride a horse for fear of killing the poor thing, can’t ride a bike, roller skate, ice skate, run, hike, bungee jump, jump out of a plane, go kayaking, jet ski, scuba dive or swim with dolphins.”
I struggle to comprehend and am often overwhelmed by how much my life has changed since then – particularly in the attitude I have towards myself. There was an underlying self-loathing and deprecation that I find quite sad now; but that is the reality of how I felt. Since then, I have learned to love and care for myself more, and ticked quite a few things off that “I Can’t Do List”…I no longer consider myself a fat blob, I no longer struggle to climb stairs, I no longer put off walking, I can get on & off a tram without much effort, I no longer struggle to breath, I fit comfortably in cars, and I’ve even been clubbing and had a boogie!
I see evidence of the difference that my new lifestyle has made every single day; especially in my relationship with my beautiful boy Mark. I had written back then:
“Most of all I feel for my partner – the man I love. He has loved me through everything. I often ask myself why, as I have only ever given him part of me – I haven’t been all the woman I can be for him. I restrict him when it comes to living, having fun, participating in simple activities – all because of my weight – all because of the insecurity this has spawned in me – I just don’t have the confidence or feel worthy. I know that he loves me and that I love him – but there is so much more we both can be…”
Not feeling that guilt and sense of being a disappointment – not only to him, but to myself – has been so liberating for me. Being able to do things with my partner now, means we can spend heaps more time together, actually enjoy ourselves when we are out, and make plans for the future. The cherry on top for both of us was that last weekend, when for the first time in 30 years, I rode a bike! Finally I can join my beautiful partner in his much loved passion – bike riding! The look of excitement and joy on his face as I climbed on my new wheels was priceless! His reaction to our new lifestyle, and his undying support gives me the motivation each day to keep going! I have made a vow to tick off all the items on my “I Can’t Do List”, so stay tuned for more adventures!
Don’t think for a moment that any of this has been easy – it is a daily struggle to resist my old lifestyle, to stay active & eat healthy. There are temptations beckoning me everywhere; but my resolve to be happy and healthy is stronger! Since I started my journey on March 27 2014 I have seen and felt my body & mind transform:
Waist: 155 cms +
Thigh: 76 cms
Arm: 47 cms
Chest: 145 cms
Waist: 126 cms
Thigh: 64 cms
Arm: 33 cms
Chest: 123 cms
That’s 29cm off my waist, 12cms off each thigh, 14cms off each arm and 22cms off my chest!
I have also seen a total weight loss of 36 kilos – essentially I no longer carry around the equivalent of around 7 x 5 kilo bags of potatoes! I tell you what; I have a LOT more spring in my step without it! So, 36kgs down, 64.5kgs to go! I’m over a third of the way there kids!
The reality is that it’s not all smooth sailing; it does get frustrating as my weight loss has slowed down as I swing through a plateau – but that’s normal, and I am working with my team at RBT to overcome it. This journey has never been easy, but I continue to work through the obstacles and keep moving towards my goal!
I’m finally learning to give myself the freedom to explore – and choose to see, do, and feel what I want. I’ve started listening to what my body tells me and finding activities that I truly enjoy, and that light me up inside. We don’t need to make things so complicated; we like to over-complicate life, when really all we need to do is lean towards the healthy habits that make our minds bodies, and spirits soar!
Stop thinking about it – and just do it! It feels awesome!
The journey continues my friends!
Do you know someone or are that someone, that also needs to make a difference in their own health and fitness? Then why not register your details below for a free two week trial at your closest RBT.